Pumpkin carving and a Halloween carnival

Fallon at OMSI

Today our friends Jessica and Fallon took us to OMSI. It was really fun, we spent hours there, and didn't even explore the whole museum. I wish we got to see these gals more often!

Adelaide decorated these glasses with crayons, markers, sparkles and feathers. How fancy!

Granny and the Haunted House

Adelaide's Granny came for a visit and they had a great time decorating a Halloween house together.

Good Friends

We were lucky to have so many of our favorite friends all come to town today! It was a spur of the moment party. Most of the kids and mama's are from our birth group, and All mama's had the same midwife that we did with Adelaide and all had beautiful home births. It's so fun to watch these guys grow together!

Adelaide, Jai and Phoenix

 Here is a picture from January of 2009...Phoenix on the left, Adelaide (covering her face) and Jai...just to see how far they have come together!

29 weeks

How far along?  29 weeks
Total weight gain/loss? I have gained 16 pounds. I miss calculated last time...It should have said a 16 pound gain then as well. I have not gained any weight for the past month. It makes me a little worried, but all of my midwives blame it on A. the stomach bug that I had and B. that not all women constantly gain during pregnancy, and because this is my second baby they say I might gain less this time. My belly is measuring right on (a few days ahead actually) so not to worry. I just have to be sure I'm eating enough.

Maternity clothes? Normal pants don't fit me so YES with pants, but I still squeeze into some of my skirts and shirts.

Stretch marks? Not so far (crossing my fingers!)

Sleep? It's starting to get really hard to get in and out of bed, and rolling over from one side to the other is a huge ordeal now.
Best moment last week? Adelaide helping the midwives measure me and listen to the baby. She is so helpful and involved in everything. It melts my heart already.
Movement? Lots of rolling elbow or knee movements. I also feel the hiccups at least once or twice a day. Her head is still down ( I'm pretty sure it has been the whole time) but her back is to my right side so I get lots of little movements on my left side where her feet are.
Food cravings? Pumpkin and Fall squash. Oh yeah - and Artichoke!

Gender? A sweet baby sister

Belly button in/out? Hmmmmm...part of it is out?
What I miss: Having more than 2 pairs of pants to choose from.
What I am looking forward to: I have a meeting with Tami Kent next week!!!! Yay!!!!!

Krugars Farm 2011



First carmel apple

First pony ride! Her pony's name was Twinkle. She was VERY serious about it!

Hold on tight little one!

Adelaide took this picture! I haven't edited a thing. I have a pumpkin in my belly..

Hay ride. She did NOT want me to hold on to her!



Pony ride #2

                                         

Motherless

This is a post I have been meaning to write for sometime, but the enormousness of it daunts me and I never know what I really want to put into words, what I want to share, and what should just float through my life like a cloud in the sky.... I have been motherless for almost all of my life. I just never had a name for it. And growing up I never let it really bother me. My dad raised my sister and I with everything we needed to thrive, and we did. I had a grandmother, and a couple of aunts, and plenty of friends that had moms. I was fine.

Fast forward to me being pregnant with Adelaide. Soon I realized that there was a lot that I didn't have. Not only did I not have a mother to go to with questions about her own pregnancies and births, but I have also since lost my sweet grandmother, my great grandmother, both of my aunts, and pretty much any woman that has any relation to me what-so-ever. It's a GIANT hole....and it's one that I didn't realize existed until I was pregnant, and even more so once Adelaide was born. It must be something in our hormones that makes us need to be mothered ourselves. Or something so primal that just "is"...so what do I do about it? I now know that having my midwife leave in the middle of Adelaide's birth also has something to do with it. To be left by your own mother when you are a small child, and then to be left by your midwife when you are in labor with your first child, and relying on her to be your guide and your care taker...These pains are much deeper than just an ordinary pain that goes away.

So now I am pregnant again, and this time my longing for "mother" is more powerful than I can ignore. I have so much work to do, but I am doing it, and it's helping. One woman that I talked to about it told me that I DO have that 'mother'...that she is ME....and I think she is partially correct...but that doesn't help me feel warm and snugly when I want to be taken care of.  I have read so many books, "mothering the new mother" for one was all about our needs to be mothered when we have a new baby. It talks about places all around the world and how cultures celebrate the new mother, and care for her, and help her with this new role. I am also reading "wild feminine" by Tami Kent, which has really helped me a lot. It's made me realized that I have never honored the amazing things that my body can do because I am a woman. I have never celebrated my cycle, my breasts, my womb, nor even considered it. I always saw being a woman as being less somehow, or more of a burden, or more painful. But my eyes are seeing different now. And I am so happy about that because now I can teach my own girls to honor themselves for the abilities they possess (like growing babies). I am opening my eyes to the mother that I will become. I am so proud of this body of mine, and that I am female. One of the biggest eye openers is a book I am reading now called "motherless mothers". It confirmed to me that I AM motherless (like I really needed confirmation) because I fit the profile exactly. How heartbreaking that is for me...because it means that I'm not as "fine" as I thought.

One of the biggest things I am working on now is forgiving my mother for leaving me. It never even dawned on me that I didn't "forgive" her, or that I felt anything towards her really. But I have been working a lot with another wise woman who is helping me heal my body both physically ( a few weeks ago I couldn't even walk because my hips were so sore...now they are almost pain free!) and emotionally. I am realizing that forgiving my mother is what is best for ME, best for my babies, and what will honor me in the best way I am able. It doesn't mean that I ever want anything to do with her, to speak to her or to know her, it just means that I forgive her, and I am not going to carry her around with me anymore. I am setting myself free.

I can feel these giant shifts happening in my soul. I know that I will never be loved by another woman the way that I love Adelaide. I know that when I just want to be held to the breast and rocked and told 'it's okay" that I have nobody to turn to, and I know it is now, and always be up to ME to be the mother that I need when I need her. I don't have women in my family that I can ask about breastfeeding, or growing up, women that will remember things I went through when I was young, but that is life. That is reality for me. And I am finally beginning to accept it. I am so lucky to have two sweet girls, one of whom I can't even imagine her face yet, to cherish and give the love that I will never have. And I know that THEY will heal me without doing anything except for being themselves.

Singing and dancing to Frank Turner

Frank Turner is one of Myles favorite musicians. He and Adelaide listen to him a lot, and she loves him too. Here she is singing and then dancing to her favorite song .

And even MORE amazing...he played a show here on Myles' birthday and ended up emailing Myles back to say that we could bring Adelaide to the sound check so she could see him play! It was really fun for her, and even though we only saw one song, it was like our own private Frank Turner concert. Adelaide kept giggling, and then got to shake his hand and talk to him after. She wasn't even shy. All of this from a guy who is playing Wembley Stadium next year.

Reading to the animals

Adelaide put all of these books into her backpack and brought them over to her animals that she set up on the floor. She said she was "mailing them" to them. The she sat down to "open the package" and read to her animals. It was so sweet, and shows that she really does love all of the stuff that her granny sends to her =)

28 and a half weeks

Adelaide took this picture of me and my belly so we could remember what I looked like. She is such a good photographer =)

Batman making art

I find this mask a little scary, but Adelaide made it over the summer and she loves and it and wears it a lot. I can't tell her that I think it makes her look scary!

Kenton Park

Adelaide is sick =(

Our sweet girl has her first stomach virus. Tonight is the 6th night in a row that she has thrown up. It's so sad. She wakes up each morning thirsty and hungry, and a little grumpy. She is able to keep food down in the daytime, and wants to drink water, juice and tea, but when it comes time to lay down at night, it all comes back up again. We talked to the Dr. today who said I was the 4th one this morning to call with the exact symptoms. She has no fever, she is using the toilet as usual, and seems to be her happy self all day (except she takes a nap which is NOT like her!). Every night I hope that she won't throw up, and tonight she already has. Once her stomach is empty she sleeps through the night.

It's stressful and so sad to see your little one throw up when you know it's the worst feeling ever. She doesn't understand why she is sick or what is happening and that is sad. Poor little Punkie...get better really soon!

Hieeee

Grandpa Don

Myles dad came to visit us. Unfortunately Adelaide was sick the whole time he was here, but we all still got to spend a lot of good time together. We didn't really get to take many pictures, but here is one of he and Adelaide putting her pooh puzzle together. It was nice to relax around the house and catch up!

I'm growing too

Today I had a few appointments with magical women. They are helping me to grow, to get stronger in my body, to know myself better, to become a better wife, to become a better mother, to become a better doula. I can feel a shift in my spirit. I can tell that I am a lot more grounded then I was a week ago. I can tell that this next birth is going to be BIG...and I am going to survive it, and maybe even come out stronger! I'm healing and dealing with my life. Things are not always easy, and I think they really are never easy, but I'm facing life head on. I've got a team behind me now and I'm ready to open and grow and become the woman, the mother, the wife, the sister, the daughter that I always knew I could be. I can't wait to see who that is. Because that person is in here somewhere, and always has been. I just need to find her.

Almost 26 weeks along ~ Pregnancy update

How far along? 25 weeks 4 days
Total weight gain/loss? 11 lbs

Maternity clothes? Normal pants don't fit me so YES with pants, but I still squeeze into some of my skirts and shirts
Stretch marks? Not so far (crossing my fingers!)
Sleep? Pretty good. I sleep with a body pillow between my legs, and a bopy pillow under my head. I take Cal/Mag each night before I got to bed and I think it really helps. I have to get up to pee about twice a night.
Best moment last week? Anytime Adelaide talks about her 'baby sister' or 'the baby in mama's belly' when she is refering to our family. She actually talks about her and asks about her a lot!
Movement? She kicks and moves around anytime I lay down. I've also started noticing hic-ups almost every evening!
Food cravings? Just started eating lots of stewed meats and root veggies. Always craving chocolate, sugar and sweets. Ice cream and milk too.
Gender? A sweet baby sister
Belly button in/out? Just about out...
What I miss: Close friends and family SO MUCH! I also miss not being on a rollacoaster of emotions.
What I am looking forward to: Connecting to amazing women in my comunity (New midwife appointment tomorrow!) and learning more about who I really am as a mama and a person.

Trillium Lake ~ It's beautiful!

Yesterday was the first day of Fall, and according to our weather report there is rain on the way. I have a feeling it will be a long 10 months of rain on the way, so we went up to the Lake to enjoy our last warm, sunny day. It was perfect! The water wasn't too cold, and the lake wasn't too crowded. Next summer I hope we can take our canoe up there because it's the perfect lake for that!