Adelaide "like Marmalade": December 2011

It's taken me a long to time to want to sit down and write this down. How am I to find words to explain something so amazing, magical, life changing and empowering? What parts do I write about, and what parts do I keep in my memory to cherish with my family? Where do we begin? When I want to sum it all up, this is what I say...

In our tiny little room, in our tiny little house, a really BIG thing happened. The energy and excitement was bigger than any of us, bigger than our house, bigger than our city. I felt connected to the MOON, to the STARS, and to all mothers now and past....WOW what a day! I'm stronger than I thought.

The story actually begins on December 27th. I had made an appointment with my chiro/midwife Caroline because I knew I was still fearing the upcoming birth, and holding my baby back...but I didn't know why. I had done so much work in the 9 months leading up to this point and was hoping to be ready to go through labor again...but I was afraid. And AFRAID was one thing that I didn't want to be this time.

Caroline worked with me on so many things, including thoughts I was carrying around about pregnancy since the time I was a teenager, and we also worked on me understanding that this birth was DIFFERENT than the last time, and that Adelaide's birth was in the PAST, and this birth was not going to be the same birth. And best of all, she helped me connect to my baby, to really talk to her and let her know that I trusted her to know when to come. That it was okay for her to come now, and it was okay for her to come later. I let her know that everything was in it's place, and that she was the one to decide when it was time. I told the baby to "relax" and to "float"...and when I said those words to her...I swear I felt her relax. It was amazing (just as every visit I've had with Caroline), and I felt so much stronger and ready when I walked out her door that night....and guess what? It worked!

I woke up around 3am wish contractions coming about every 10 minutes. They weren't very strong, the way Adelaide's labor started, and I didn't really even know if they counted as actual "contractions", but they were coming very regular. I was able to stay in bed and rest, trying to sleep between them, but not able to sleep through them. Sometimes when they would get strong, I would just talk to my baby, telling her that it was okay, that our bodies were made to work together, and that she knew what she was doing and I trusted her. I kept telling myself that this birth would be different. All of these words really seemed to help me, as well as talking to my baby girl. In the morning I asked Myles to stay home from work just in case...and then once Adelaide was awake they slowed down, and eventually stopped...little did I know this is a VERY REGULAR pattern for second time mama's. My body was getting ready to have a baby.

I had a midwife appointment scheduled for 3pm that day, but my midwife texted me to tell me that she wanted me to stay home in my "den' and rest, and that they would come to me! How nice is that? They knew that I had been having contractions the night before, and they were pretty sure I was going to have my baby that day....I on the other hand was in denial I guess...but I stayed home and rested, welcoming our midwife Tara when she came to check my vitals and listen to the baby. We also talked a lot about things I could do to prevent tearing, like breathing the baby out instead of blasting her out at the end. I was so glad for our conversations and to hear her advice. She told me that expected to be back that night, I wasn't so sure. I was excited though because my sister was on her way from Florida that day and I knew that meant she would be here for the birth. What great timing!!

Myles and Adelaide went to the airport to pick up my sister Jessie. I called to see if she had landed, which she had, and as soon as we hung up I started having contractions. It was like my body waited until I knew she was here! It was about 4pm and they started pretty mild, but seemed to get STRONGER every single time. They were about 10 minutes apart again...and I was getting excited. As soon as they walked in the door I asked Myles to please help me get the birth pool set up, and the room set up. I was so happy that I had my experience working at the birth center because I knew just how to set everything up. I had all kinds of special things that I had bought for the birth, like flower essences to help me through transition, and others to help Myles, Adelaide or Jessie if they were stressed. We set this little room up just perfectly, and amazingly everything fit. It was so nice to have the pool, the bed, and the bathroom all within a couple steps of each other. I also liked that we were in the bedroom so I could easily close the door if I wanted, and we also had Christmas lights up, which gave the room such a gentle glow...perfect lighting for birth.

Myles and Adelaide helping to set up the room for the birth

Our last family photo with just 3 of us and a belly

The pool, it barely fit!

All set up and ready for a baby

Once everything was set up I realized that "this was really it". I had a rush of emotions run through me as I texted the girls from my blessingway to light their candles. I was so excited and nervous, but knew this time would be different. I also called my friend Cat to come help give me support, as well as the midwives to let them know. Tara came over pretty quickly to check me out and make sure everything sounded good. She is so sweet and gentle. I felt so lucky to be surrounded by so much love already. I was having to moan through the contractions by this time, swaying in Myles strong arms, or on the birth ball. Adelaide didn't seem to mind the noises that I was making at all, and I wondered if it was because of all of the books that we read together. It seemed like she understood a bit of what was happening, but wasn't over excited either...It was almost time to get in the pool, but I wanted to wait until Adelaide went to be because she really wanted to get in there with me, and I knew if she did, she would never go to bed. Luckily Jessie was able to put her to bed upstairs with no problems.

Adelaide helping me through a contraction while I rocked on the birth ball

Listening to baby's heart (and texting)

Right around 7pm I got in the pool. Being in the water was SO AMAZING! I was able to move into different positions very easily, and the water was warm and relaxing. I could actually "float" like Caroline had said the night before. And I have to say it was such a fun thing to be swimming around in a big pool, in the BEDROOM inside our house...how often does that happen? Cat was taking pictures of me in the pool posing...and at one point I told her "I'm having way too much fun to be in labor!!" (little did I know I'd be holding my baby about an hour later!!) I also remember telling Tara that I was sorry that she came so quickly and I hoped that I didn't call her over too early. Of course she didn't mind and was happy to be here. She would call the other midwives once I wanted them here, or needed them here. We were all joking about the baby being born on that same day, and that stranger things have happened...but in my mind I would be in labor until the next night..the way I was with Adelaide...I never thought she'd be born that same day.

I would joke around with Cat, pose for pictures, and then have to really focus on my contractions. Myles was by my side the entire time, so good at encouraging me and helping me through every contraction. I had really forgotten how hard those contractions are to deal with, but would moan and groan through them, trying to keep my voice deep and my throat open. The contractions were so strong, I moaned deep and long, some almost sounding like a native American song. I remember Cat telling me I sounded good. That was encouraging...I knew I sounded crazy, but felt comfortable and knew it was helping me. Loud and powerful, those contractions were kicking my butt! Tara said I could pee in the pool, but I didn't want to. Yet every time I'd get out to go to the bathroom the contractions would get stronger and stronger. Each time I'd be so excited to jump back into the warm water. Myles kept pots of water boiling on the stove, and would pour one or two in if I needed a warm up. It was perfect.

At one point there was a tiny piece of mucus in the water and I was like "HURRY, GET THE SCOOPER!!!" It's funny because if only I'd realized what the water would look like after the birth, that little piece of mucus was nothing.

It wasn't long at all before I was feeling afraid to move on. I knew exactly what that meant though...that I was going into transition stage of labor...the hardest part. How could I already be in transition? "Get the flower essences" I was starting to feel afraid, and the flower essences were supposed to ease the fear. I'm not sure if it helped much or not, but I remember saying "well if nothing else, at least they are preserved in brandy...so maybe the little dropper of brandy would be helping me". Tara thinks that it did help. I'm not sure really, but it didn't matter anyway, there was nowhere to escape to.

The next contraction sounded so different from the others, like a deep dark monster was coming out of my throat. It scared me a bit and I remember asking "is it okay that I sound like that?" Of course it was okay, and I also knew exactly what that sound meant...it meant my body was starting to push. I was already pushing!?! Suddenly I needed my midwife Melissa, and I wanted her here now. "I need Melissa" I told Tara when she walked in the door. "She's on her way and will be right here" she told me. Tara heard the contraction too, and knew it was time to call in the troops. Birth was eminent.

The growing and pushing was getting stronger. My body was taking over and I had to let it, completely. I was grunting and growling from the depths of my soul. Cat was reading me affirmations that I had written down to use during labor. They didn't sound as good in the moment as they did when I wrote them down, but I continued to say them anyway, hoping I could somehow convince myself. "I am not afraid, I was born to do this". The truth is...I WAS AFRAID, but I knew that I had done this before, and I also knew that fear would not help me or make things easier. I remember telling Myles that I was afraid...and then I'd cry out "I'm doing this for my babies, I'm doing this for my girls". I could feel her in my pelvis, I could feel myself stretching open.

Melissa walked in the door and I remember looking over my shoulder toward her and feeling like I could finally break down and cry "hi Melissa" I whimpered, hoping she could somehow get me out of this situation. I didn't have my glasses on so I couldn't see her, but I felt her and heard her there. Her sweet voice was just what I needed to hear at that moment. The timing could not have been better. "I don't know how to be...what position to be in" I told her. I was on my hands and knees, just as I was when Adelaide was born. She suggested that maybe I tried reclining, but I knew that wouldn't work. "Nothing is going to feel particularly comfortable right now" she told me...boy wasn't that the truth! I just didn't realize how close I was to holding my baby. "Is Adelaide in here?" I asked. She was upstairs asleep. "Is Jessie here?" and someone ran up and got her, just in time. I was in my own world and wasn't able to look around at faces or to see who was around. But I felt them all, every single one of the women, and Myles, there with love, supporting me and my baby on this journey.

The strength of my body, of the pushing and grunting surprised me. I felt like I had no choice but to go along with it. I think I asked Melissa if she could help support my perineum so I wouldn't tear. I felt the baby stretching and moving through my body. She told me to breath out making "Puh" sounds as I exhaled, to help breath the baby out slower. So I did. "Puh....Puh...Puh.." as if it was the magic word to save me from ripping in half..."Puh....puh....Puh.."at the top of my lungs "Puh..Puh" with grunts and groans and pushes past what I could control. MY BODY WAS SO STRONG. Those pushes were so strong. I could not hold them in...at all.

I felt a ridge of her head come out, and seconds later her little ear ( I thought it was her nose at the time), and the GUSH....her head was out! That was such a huge relief, and with that it felt like someone had turned on a hose from inside my body. the bag of waters was spraying out....and out...and out...under the water. Next came her shoulders, just as hard and painful as her little head. And as soon as she was out I wanted her, to hold her, to see her. Melissa passed her through my legs as Myles and I pulled her up from the water. She yelled so loud and strong right away. She was AWAKE and ALIVE and had something to say to us all! She felt so tiny! She had so much hair, and it was so dark! Her back was covered in silky vernex, smooth and slimy.

She was perfect.

Wrinkly and strong and so small and so perfect.

Just as her head emerged from the water for the very first time ever

Myles and I pulling her up from the water. Look at that Grimace!

Getting our first look at her

I'm so glad that you are here little one!

Her cord was short, much like Adelaide's was, but thick and spiral. She had stork bites on each of her eyes, between her eyes, and on her ears. Her APGAR score was 9/10, and there was some discussion apparently about making them 10/10, except her little hands or feet were still a bit blue.

Adelaide slept through it all. Waking up later to find 4 midwives, Cat, Jessie, Myles and I all celebrating. It was a true birthday party. A perfect birth. Not once had they checked to see how far dialated I was, and none of the emergency equipment was needed. Nothing but the hand of my midwife, and the clamps to cut the cord...and my strong body along with my sweet, smart baby girl. And all of the work I had been doing for the past 10 months really paid off. I was surrounded with love and support. With strong women, amazing midwives, my husband, my sister, and had candles burning elsewhere, and thoughts being sent to me, and I felt it all, and I did it once again. I was born to be a MOTHER.